Creating and Maintaining Healthy Relationships

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy and David Malloy

Together we have many years of individual and combined experience in the personal development field and between our training and experience we've learned a few things about the art of creating and maintaining healthy relationships. Being partnered in life and business creates a lot of interesting opportunities for growth even though it can be daunting at times. There have been times within our relationship where we both brought out sides of ourselves that made us question “who is this person?” Some of how we behaved and responded to each other made us feel as though we were unrecognizable and were the e anti-thesis of who we were and wanted to be. We prefer not to label relationships as "good or bad" and choose instead to view them as "healthy or unhealthy/balanced or unbalanced."

Within our own bond there have been some challenging situations and pivotal points where we could not believe who we’d become and how we were behaving. It was clear that we  were putting up with behaviors from each other that we would not accept with anyone else. Even though we were self-confident individuals before we met sometimes the triggers we set off in each created a feeling that we did not like who we were within the relationship itself. Given that we work in the self-development field we had enough knowledge and skill to stop and review things from our individual and collective perspectives.  

Within the Inner Dynamics Model for growth and transformation that we’d created we were able to apply the principle that the outer is always a mirror of the inner. During conflicted periods we would roll up our sleeves, dig deeper and assess what part of the problem is ours to own and work with…and which part was up to the other to deal with. Over the years we have learned that the best way to to maintain our mental sanity is to continue to  pursue vigorous self introspection. Whenever the outer events in our lives bring up negative mindsets and responses it is a clear message that something needs to be looked at and changed.  Emotions of anger, frustration, and insensitivity towards others can lead to self-absorbed ways of thinking and behaving and can and disrupt life. That is why we re-wrote a contract where we have agreed to deal with everything as it comes up in open, accountable and authentic ways.

 

 

We met in July 1990 and were married a year later and our shared journey continually provides new and exciting opportunities for personal growth and transformation. At one time we were of the mind that reasonably aware people should be able to remain grounded at all times through all things.  Through time we learned that is a form of ‘magical thinking” and not always possible when interacting with others who create triggers of emotion that we often do not know where they originate.  In our group and private sessions clients share their disappointments in their own behaviors and those of others who “bring out the worst in them.”

The one single rule of thumb in transforming the dynamics in all relationships is to begin by changing the one we have with ourselves. From there we all have to take responsibility for our own actions at all times. We may not be able to control the circumstances we’re in but there is always a choice in how to respond.

The gift within intimate emotional relationships is that they create a place for each of us to become more of who we truly are. Undoubtedly there are relationships that trigger old deep-seeded issues that have never been fully resolved. Others bring out aspects of the self that many do not even know were there. When we’re in relationships that make it feel that a person is ‘acting out of character’ they could be getting in touch with things that really “there” but they were not aware of until a person triggered something to say, ‘you need to look at this.’  The universe is always demanding that we grow and rather than agreeing to that reality some leave one relationship only to find they’re repeating the same dynamics over and over with different people.  Better to do the inner work and resolve the issues rather than holding onto mindsets and patterns that get in the way of healthy open relationships with others.

Our approach with clients is to encourage them in assessing whether their emotional reactions have or have not anything to do with the current person and event…or is it coming from some unhealed trauma in the past?  Once we move into the observer mode with this line of thinking we take our power back. When we perceive the person in front of us as a reminder that there are areas of life that needs some work it leads to self-accountable problem solving.

 

 

Putting oneself in a more neutral position assists in developing greater awareness about which person’s work it is to do. It is not healthy to stay with a person who continuously triggers negative reactions. By pushing the pause button and looking at the cause and effect of conflict more often than not both parties are contributing to one degree or another.   Their behavior is a perfect chance to tap you on the shoulder and not only see the unhealed areas within and assist in identifying possible red flags for future interactions.   

If the people we’re surrounded with are either unwilling or unable to work towards emotionally mature proactive problem solving then it may require walking away and working through personal issues with a counselor, therapist or other support systems. In so doing it is easier to develop the clarity needed to attract people who are also seeking healthy relationships based on mutual respect.

After many years of playing this game and being hit over the head with this lesson we finally got it.  We’ve both worked hard to co-create a marriage, sacred partnership and professional life where we strive to always bring out the best in each other. We are living proof that there are happy endings and “fresh beginnings” and that this concept is not a cliché after all.